What a struggle. What a search.

What a struggle. What a search.

I was marveling the other day as I rode my kids to school how some days I feel so strong on my bike and other days so tired and weak. What happens to create that?

Today was a similar day, but not on my bike. All day I had things that I wanted to do for work, but, wow, was it hard to get focused, stay focused, and do the kind of thinking that I wanted to be doing. What happens to create that?

It was stuff that I wanted to do. It was stuff that I was excited about doing. I was scared and uncertain about what and how to do it (I was creating a workbook for my book), but still I have done stuff like this before.

Through out the day I had to keep on fighting to stay focused and persevere even though I wanted to stop and find something to waste my time doing. Ugh. There were many days like this while working on the book, so I have gotten used to powering through and trusting that tomorrow would be easier and better.

But today I was really searching for something. I felt like I wanted something to be different. I wanted something more than what I was doing.

I kept checking my email for an exciting message.
I kept looking at the sports news for something exciting.
I reverted to my backup websites – news and political blogs.
I thought about eating something.
I finally did eat something.
I listened to music.

But nothing satisfied me.

No matter how many times I went through this cycle searching for It, It never arrived. So I began to wonder what It would be if It did arrive.

A new client? A trade by the Cubs? Someone making a trade in my fantasy baseball league? A delicious something to eat?

What would have happened had one of those things happened? It would have been interesting. It would have diverted my attention. It would have given me an excuse to pay attention to something other than the workbook?

I still cannot figure it out. But the feeling is too familiar. The search for something…groping for some feeling, some event, some something.

Ugh. What is it?