A friend of mine who is in the dating world had an insight for me (she is 30 and looking for someone to share her life with):
* A majority of people she meets are taking medication for depression or anxiety
These are young people who range from 24 to 35, are working, are educated but...
but are not doing very well.
It's all about courage. You are old enough to have some experience in the world and some insight into what is ahead and that does not inspire you. Yikes.
You see people miserable in their jobs; miserable in their relationships; acting immorally at work; treating themselves and others with a lack of dignity and respect; and stuck in circumstances that they do not like. And you wonder, is that what I have to look forward to?
Like my younger clients you have been waiting for some event to happen to catapult yourself into "it"; into life; into what you really want to be doing; into something different. The bad news is that that "it" is not going to happen and if it does it may well fall into the category of "be careful what you ask for".
Maybe "you should go see somebody", get some medication, and dull those feelings. Do you really think that will help?
Here is an alternative solution.
Be courageous. Do not fall into the category of people who viagra their way to a solution. There is no pill that will make that feeling go away. But good old fashioned courage will help.
The Real You is in there and wants to come and play. You are not crazy (every single one of my clients comes and says "I think I am crazy. I have this voice that is really negative."). You are trapped and the way to get un-trapped is to be courageous and start listening to the Real You. The crappy feelings are there because you are not taking good care of it.
Here are some steps to take:
1. Choose to have a positive attitude today
2. Write down one exciting thing you want to make happen in your life
3. Ask someone one exciting thing they want to make happen in their life
4. Remember your choice to have a positive attitude today
5. Do one courageous thing
6. Repeat. Now. And then tomorrow.
You are in control of your life. Do not rely on pills or external circumstances. Take life by the balls and make a powerful choice right now.
The Real You is in there and desperately wants to come play.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Judging myself based on money - yuck!
The Meaning rEvolution will reverse the trend for us to judge what we do based on how much money we make. It will establish an honor and acknowledgement for people who treat others with dignity and respect and make a difference.
I have been caught up in this web. It is a tough one. My work with clients is amazing; I just finished a book – which is the truest expression of my belief about the world and how to make it a better place; I have time with my kids and family; I am healthy. And yet, I have been in a funk because my income is not where I want it to be.
All these great things are happening in my life and yet I am trapped under a blanket of feeling crappy about myself, my work, and my contribution.
I have been caught up in this web. It is a tough one. My work with clients is amazing; I just finished a book – which is the truest expression of my belief about the world and how to make it a better place; I have time with my kids and family; I am healthy. And yet, I have been in a funk because my income is not where I want it to be.
All these great things are happening in my life and yet I am trapped under a blanket of feeling crappy about myself, my work, and my contribution.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Good news
What if the media reported more good news than bad? How would it shift the way people think and act? Many of the decisions people make are largely based on emotion, so if someone hears that the stock market is doing poorly (for example), they will react to the news based on how that affects them personally. If we shift things to be presented in a more positive way, would people’s emotional responses reflect that positivity?
I was listening to the radio the other day and, naturally, they were talking about the poor economy and how difficult it is to find/keep a job right now. I began to feel really hopeless and negative. I started to question my path and the dreams that I have. Are they too unrealistic? Instead of getting totally sucked in, though, I made a bold decision – I turned the radio off! I am tired of hearing bad news. I want to hear good news about good people doing good things. There are sources out there that report good news. Look at Ode Magazine – their entire premise is that they report good news. I encourage everyone to spend more time reading good news than bad, and see how your attitude shifts.
I was listening to the radio the other day and, naturally, they were talking about the poor economy and how difficult it is to find/keep a job right now. I began to feel really hopeless and negative. I started to question my path and the dreams that I have. Are they too unrealistic? Instead of getting totally sucked in, though, I made a bold decision – I turned the radio off! I am tired of hearing bad news. I want to hear good news about good people doing good things. There are sources out there that report good news. Look at Ode Magazine – their entire premise is that they report good news. I encourage everyone to spend more time reading good news than bad, and see how your attitude shifts.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Family
What does family mean to you? The actual word, family – what is it? Who is your family?
We don’t get to choose our biological families (and sometimes we are faced with the non-choice of blended families, as well). Hopefully everyone was blessed with a really amazing biological family – though my guess is that not everyone was. For the sake of the rest of this blog, I will not use the term “family” to represent our biological families exclusively (though they certainly can be included, if you wish).
When you graduated from high school and moved out/moved away/went to college/got a job/or/or/or, what did you notice about the dynamics of the “family” you began to create? What did family begin to look like for you?
One thing I have noticed over the years is that the family I have created in each place I’ve lived has shared meals together. It is clearly something that is important to me – a time to unwind from a busy/stressful/fun/awful/amazing day, talk about the goods and bads, make fun plans for our time off from work/school, throw food at each other (haha . . . only kidding . . . sort of). My greatest roommate (family) experience was in my last year of college. We ate breakfast together almost every morning (we typically ate dinner together, too). Granted, our schedules were nearly identical (same major + similar part time jobs), so we didn’t have to try too hard to make it to the breakfast/dinner table. Still, we were able to share great mornings together – check in, share our hopes for the day, make coffee, rush out the door, run back inside because we forgot our coffee, and off to work/school. These were wonderful mornings because we were able to build a relationship based on honesty and accountability – two essentials in any family of mine. We knew each other and went beyond the surface-level b.s. that shallow friendships are often consumed by. We created a family.
I know that, although my sister has chosen to stay at home and attend a (great) school near our parents’ house, she has also begun to create her little family. They do all sorts of things together, and I believe they have delved deeper than the b.s. as well. My point in mentioning that is to note how important this new family is, regardless of where you are geographically.
No matter what it looks like for you, creating this family is an essential part of being in this stage of life. I have learned a lot about what I appreciated from my childhood, as well as what will be important to me when I have children of my own. In the in-between, I’ll focus my time on friendly chats and food fights.
We don’t get to choose our biological families (and sometimes we are faced with the non-choice of blended families, as well). Hopefully everyone was blessed with a really amazing biological family – though my guess is that not everyone was. For the sake of the rest of this blog, I will not use the term “family” to represent our biological families exclusively (though they certainly can be included, if you wish).
When you graduated from high school and moved out/moved away/went to college/got a job/or/or/or, what did you notice about the dynamics of the “family” you began to create? What did family begin to look like for you?
One thing I have noticed over the years is that the family I have created in each place I’ve lived has shared meals together. It is clearly something that is important to me – a time to unwind from a busy/stressful/fun/awful/amazing day, talk about the goods and bads, make fun plans for our time off from work/school, throw food at each other (haha . . . only kidding . . . sort of). My greatest roommate (family) experience was in my last year of college. We ate breakfast together almost every morning (we typically ate dinner together, too). Granted, our schedules were nearly identical (same major + similar part time jobs), so we didn’t have to try too hard to make it to the breakfast/dinner table. Still, we were able to share great mornings together – check in, share our hopes for the day, make coffee, rush out the door, run back inside because we forgot our coffee, and off to work/school. These were wonderful mornings because we were able to build a relationship based on honesty and accountability – two essentials in any family of mine. We knew each other and went beyond the surface-level b.s. that shallow friendships are often consumed by. We created a family.
I know that, although my sister has chosen to stay at home and attend a (great) school near our parents’ house, she has also begun to create her little family. They do all sorts of things together, and I believe they have delved deeper than the b.s. as well. My point in mentioning that is to note how important this new family is, regardless of where you are geographically.
No matter what it looks like for you, creating this family is an essential part of being in this stage of life. I have learned a lot about what I appreciated from my childhood, as well as what will be important to me when I have children of my own. In the in-between, I’ll focus my time on friendly chats and food fights.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A great example of taking a stand
This is amazing! Everyone should read this blog, visit this website, and take the challenge. It’s always so interesting to see what people will do (and CAN do – what an amazing feat to challenge yourself to run a marathon every day for a year!) when they really believe in something. Taking a stand is an extremely powerful thing to do, and it is filled with opportunities.
What do you stand for? What can you do about it? How will you get started?
What do you stand for? What can you do about it? How will you get started?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Feed your dreams
I have two friends who are doing something they love. It doesn’t really matter what it is – the details are insignificant. They both have jobs during the day, but at night and on the weekends they collaborate on this project that is going to be amazing. Maybe the actual project will be amazing, maybe not (I think it will). But what is already amazing is that they had an idea for something and then . . . they DID it!
I can safely say that I know more people who talk about doing things and then never do them, and less people who follow through on their big ideas. It is so fun to dream – so fun to have conversations when you’re really inspired and motivated to do something really big. But stuff always gets in the way. For me it is usually, “I don’t have the money to do that.” Or, “I can’t leave the security of my job.” Or even, “My parents/friends/people around me will not think this is the right thing to do.” I don’t want to be a person anymore who doesn’t do what she (I) really, in her (my) heart, wants to do. So, how do I fight the urge to hold on to money, jobs, and the opinions of the people around me, and get out there to do what I really, REALLY want to do?
I can safely say that I know more people who talk about doing things and then never do them, and less people who follow through on their big ideas. It is so fun to dream – so fun to have conversations when you’re really inspired and motivated to do something really big. But stuff always gets in the way. For me it is usually, “I don’t have the money to do that.” Or, “I can’t leave the security of my job.” Or even, “My parents/friends/people around me will not think this is the right thing to do.” I don’t want to be a person anymore who doesn’t do what she (I) really, in her (my) heart, wants to do. So, how do I fight the urge to hold on to money, jobs, and the opinions of the people around me, and get out there to do what I really, REALLY want to do?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My return to school
I am in the process of applying to graduate school/teaching credential programs. I graduated almost two years ago with my BA so I feel like I’m out of the “school application” phase of my life. I wasn’t sure if I had graduated from this realm until, while filling out the online application, I kept uttering the words, “What?” “Seriously?” “What kind of question is this?” A friend of mine, who is still completing his undergraduate studies, just said to me, “What did you expect?” Clearly I have forgotten what it’s like to be a student.
There is so much confusion around going back to school. Is this the right choice for me? Is this really what I want to do? Is this the right school? The right program? Can I afford this? Does it matter? Will I be able to get a job teaching once I’m done? Believe me, the list goes on. But, in all of this I need to remember to go back to what I stand for. What kind of difference do I want to make in the world, and what do I need to do to make it happen? Thinking about this is the first step, and it’s an important – nay, indispensable – step, but the other (and more important) step is the DO part. I can sit here and drink my delicious coffee all morning (all my life, really) and THINK about what I want to do and what I stand for. The truth is, though, that I will never feel fulfilled until I start doing those things. What is standing in my way of getting in action? What stands in your way when you try to do the same?
There is so much confusion around going back to school. Is this the right choice for me? Is this really what I want to do? Is this the right school? The right program? Can I afford this? Does it matter? Will I be able to get a job teaching once I’m done? Believe me, the list goes on. But, in all of this I need to remember to go back to what I stand for. What kind of difference do I want to make in the world, and what do I need to do to make it happen? Thinking about this is the first step, and it’s an important – nay, indispensable – step, but the other (and more important) step is the DO part. I can sit here and drink my delicious coffee all morning (all my life, really) and THINK about what I want to do and what I stand for. The truth is, though, that I will never feel fulfilled until I start doing those things. What is standing in my way of getting in action? What stands in your way when you try to do the same?
Monday, March 9, 2009
awesome students
I got to spend time with engaged, inspired, involved student leaders last weekend.
When I first entered the room I was really nervous and uncertain. In the hall there was the laughter and playfulness of a group of friends. It was such a familiar feeling. Wanting to be a part of the group. Being intimidated by the energy.
I always wonder if I belong. I always wonder if my message and ideas will be accepted. You all seem so cool. And I feel so uncool – welcome back to that feeling from my younger years…yuck.
It feels like I am standing on the edge of a raging river of nervousness and uncertainty.
But it never fails that as soon as I put one foot in the water you are there to help get across. That is who you are. In this case you were student leaders of college orientation programs. You are trained to be welcoming and engaging. But more importantly you are a young person who is energetic and engaged. It is awesome.
I admire you. Envy you. You are the ones who are courageous and who are looking to make a difference. The reasons you do what you do are many. Some of you had a person reach out you when you first arrived on campus so you want to give back that experience to someone else. Some are interested in leadership. Some love interacting with people. Some realize that it is a great way to meet people like yourself.
Here is one of my favorite stories from my experience:
On Friday night Dean Taylor gave a talk. He was a member of his middle school optimists club (years ago). He became the president. In his talk he acknowledged all the people working in orientation as essential in the work of optimism and possibility for students. These people, he said, take on a vital role in making a difference.
He wanted to pass along the presidency of the Optimists club and the way he did it was by giving someone overalls (the kind you wear). Not sure exactly why that symbolized the optimists club. But he gave them to Qasim from University of Alberta. And asked that he take on the leadership by wearing the overalls.
Now, most young people would flinch, hesitate, be embarrassed, and never put them on. But Saturday morning there was Qasim, overalls on taking on his symbolic role.
And this is the kind of young person that gives me hope. You care a great deal. You are learning. You want to make a difference and are willing to courageously put yourself out there in the world to figure out how to make it happen.
Thanks y’all. You (again) gave me hope and inspired me to keep forging ahead trying to find paths for you to thrive on.
When I first entered the room I was really nervous and uncertain. In the hall there was the laughter and playfulness of a group of friends. It was such a familiar feeling. Wanting to be a part of the group. Being intimidated by the energy.
I always wonder if I belong. I always wonder if my message and ideas will be accepted. You all seem so cool. And I feel so uncool – welcome back to that feeling from my younger years…yuck.
It feels like I am standing on the edge of a raging river of nervousness and uncertainty.
But it never fails that as soon as I put one foot in the water you are there to help get across. That is who you are. In this case you were student leaders of college orientation programs. You are trained to be welcoming and engaging. But more importantly you are a young person who is energetic and engaged. It is awesome.
I admire you. Envy you. You are the ones who are courageous and who are looking to make a difference. The reasons you do what you do are many. Some of you had a person reach out you when you first arrived on campus so you want to give back that experience to someone else. Some are interested in leadership. Some love interacting with people. Some realize that it is a great way to meet people like yourself.
Here is one of my favorite stories from my experience:
On Friday night Dean Taylor gave a talk. He was a member of his middle school optimists club (years ago). He became the president. In his talk he acknowledged all the people working in orientation as essential in the work of optimism and possibility for students. These people, he said, take on a vital role in making a difference.
He wanted to pass along the presidency of the Optimists club and the way he did it was by giving someone overalls (the kind you wear). Not sure exactly why that symbolized the optimists club. But he gave them to Qasim from University of Alberta. And asked that he take on the leadership by wearing the overalls.
Now, most young people would flinch, hesitate, be embarrassed, and never put them on. But Saturday morning there was Qasim, overalls on taking on his symbolic role.
And this is the kind of young person that gives me hope. You care a great deal. You are learning. You want to make a difference and are willing to courageously put yourself out there in the world to figure out how to make it happen.
Thanks y’all. You (again) gave me hope and inspired me to keep forging ahead trying to find paths for you to thrive on.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
2009 Grads...Yikes!
College seniors are scared. Worried. Uncertain. Even depressed.
The bad economy and lack of jobs comes on top of worries they have about the health of the environment and the lack of morality in our world today.
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1882979,00.html?cnn=yes
They are thinking.
• Will I be able to get and find a job?
• Will I make enough money to survive?
• How am I going to pay off my student loans?
Along with
• Will my kids have a healthy world to live in?
• What about my dreams? Do I have to give them up?
If they are watching the mainstream media, they are getting barraged with all the stories of difficulty and ugliness. But there is another side of the challenges.
There is hope. There are possibilities. There are people doing amazing work in the world – more and more every day. Ironically, in this day and age when communication and access to information is exploding, it is hard to find them.
But people with ideas and a positive perspective are out there. Dan Pink is an example of the kind of thinker who can really help. Listen to this:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/BiznikLive/2009/02/25/Interview-with-Dan-Pink-A-Whole-New-Mind-Why-Right-Brainers-Will-Rule-the-Future
When you begin to fill your brain with information that talks about what is possible instead of what is wrong or how bleak things are, amazing possibilities open up.
For more access to good stuff going on check out:
www.odemagazine.com
www.yesmagazine.org
The kind of people who will be successful in the future are the ones who are able to be in hard times and keep themselves moving forward. If you get swept up in the difficulty and give up it makes you even less appealing to a potential employer. In order to get hired (and then to stay employed) you will have to be ready to learn. You will have to be accountable, responsible, and creative. And probably most of all you will need to be an excellent listener. When you treat people with dignity and respect you will differentiate yourself from others.
The bad economy and lack of jobs comes on top of worries they have about the health of the environment and the lack of morality in our world today.
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1882979,00.html?cnn=yes
They are thinking.
• Will I be able to get and find a job?
• Will I make enough money to survive?
• How am I going to pay off my student loans?
Along with
• Will my kids have a healthy world to live in?
• What about my dreams? Do I have to give them up?
If they are watching the mainstream media, they are getting barraged with all the stories of difficulty and ugliness. But there is another side of the challenges.
There is hope. There are possibilities. There are people doing amazing work in the world – more and more every day. Ironically, in this day and age when communication and access to information is exploding, it is hard to find them.
But people with ideas and a positive perspective are out there. Dan Pink is an example of the kind of thinker who can really help. Listen to this:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/BiznikLive/2009/02/25/Interview-with-Dan-Pink-A-Whole-New-Mind-Why-Right-Brainers-Will-Rule-the-Future
When you begin to fill your brain with information that talks about what is possible instead of what is wrong or how bleak things are, amazing possibilities open up.
For more access to good stuff going on check out:
www.odemagazine.com
www.yesmagazine.org
The kind of people who will be successful in the future are the ones who are able to be in hard times and keep themselves moving forward. If you get swept up in the difficulty and give up it makes you even less appealing to a potential employer. In order to get hired (and then to stay employed) you will have to be ready to learn. You will have to be accountable, responsible, and creative. And probably most of all you will need to be an excellent listener. When you treat people with dignity and respect you will differentiate yourself from others.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Feeling Funky
I have been feeling funky this week. Worried about making money. Doubting whether what I am offering is useful. Feeling the weight of the systemic economic and environmental challenges we face.
I was “on it”.
And while I kept moving forward by doing the little things – exercise, biking, being with the kids, hanging with friends, and sharing my ideas, I could not see how to get past it.
I even remembered a teacher of mine who said “it is not that I don’t get on it, but I am able to get off it way faster than you and others”. His perspective is that the way people find meaning and fulfillment is that they are able to get off it faster than others.
The idea was there, but I remained stuck.
And then I got an email from a friend – who was on vacation - about a radio interview he was doing with Dan Pink...on vacation? Dan Pink happens to be one of those people whose ideas get me inspired and engaged. So I listened to the show.
And the ice melted. The funky feeling began to fade. And my positive, powerful, inspired self emerged again.
I coach my clients that when they are feeling funky to get their Play Huge Notebook (where inspiring and powerful items are captured) and get themselves going again, but I had forgotten.
As soon as I began to fill up my brain with possibilities, ideas, and challenges the powerful part of me emerged again. Now, a day later the possibilities are flowing and I feel reconnected to my aliveness and drive to make a difference.
Now its time to capture how to help you and others awaken your spirit.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I was “on it”.
And while I kept moving forward by doing the little things – exercise, biking, being with the kids, hanging with friends, and sharing my ideas, I could not see how to get past it.
I even remembered a teacher of mine who said “it is not that I don’t get on it, but I am able to get off it way faster than you and others”. His perspective is that the way people find meaning and fulfillment is that they are able to get off it faster than others.
The idea was there, but I remained stuck.
And then I got an email from a friend – who was on vacation - about a radio interview he was doing with Dan Pink...on vacation? Dan Pink happens to be one of those people whose ideas get me inspired and engaged. So I listened to the show.
And the ice melted. The funky feeling began to fade. And my positive, powerful, inspired self emerged again.
I coach my clients that when they are feeling funky to get their Play Huge Notebook (where inspiring and powerful items are captured) and get themselves going again, but I had forgotten.
As soon as I began to fill up my brain with possibilities, ideas, and challenges the powerful part of me emerged again. Now, a day later the possibilities are flowing and I feel reconnected to my aliveness and drive to make a difference.
Now its time to capture how to help you and others awaken your spirit.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Past the point to your edge
There is an exercise that I do in the morning. You hold your breath out and pump your stomach (it is great for digestion, energizing you, and maintaining the health of your internal organs…in case you care). Part of the idea is that you go past the point of panic.
Okay, so there you are holding your breath out and pumping your stomach. And soon arises a point of panic. You calm yourself and pump one more time. Where are you now?
At another point of panic, so now what? Go past the point of panic. Well, this is a point of panic. You calm again and pump yet again. And where does that get you?
At another point of panic. Calm. Pump. Panic. Calm. Pump. Panic.
And on it goes.
I was riding my bike up a hill the other day with my big kid on a ride along trailer and my little one (she is 5 and at least 40 lbs) in a pull along Burley trailer. Last week was the first time that we had gone up that hill and I was not feeling strong (and I was intimidated by the hill), but this week was different.
As we made our way I kept having the thought that I am tired and should slow down – a moment of surrender. But then I remember to keep asking myself “Am I willing to do one more? Yes.” And I kept going and moved past the first layer of resistance.
Then there was another moment of surrender. And the question, “one more? Yes” And I kept pushing. All the while these quotes from Lance Armstrong played in my head:
So I kept pushing. Pain is temporary. It’s a suffer fest and I like to suffer. I kept going. And got past another level of resistance.
And I had a realization while I was huffing and puffing; while my legs were burning; while I was sweating and sweating. My realization was that I will be successful in my life. I will have the impact on people’s lives that I dream about. And the reason is that I am willing to be in that challenging place and keep going. I think that I am really good at being uncomfortable and continuing to push forward. I get to the place where I am ready to give up and I go one more. Then another. And another.
And then I get inspired, excited, and stronger. And the questions that I ask myself shift from can I make it to How far can I push it? What will happen if I keep going? Is there a limit?
In this moment, I connect with what makes Lance Armstrong a world-class bike racer (and it makes me believe/hope that he is really not using performance enhancing drugs). I can see the look in his eye. I can feel the drive to push further than others. To be willing to do one more than the person next to you. To push yourself to that extreme limit.
It’s a fascinating place I look forward to exploring more.
Okay, so there you are holding your breath out and pumping your stomach. And soon arises a point of panic. You calm yourself and pump one more time. Where are you now?
At another point of panic, so now what? Go past the point of panic. Well, this is a point of panic. You calm again and pump yet again. And where does that get you?
At another point of panic. Calm. Pump. Panic. Calm. Pump. Panic.
And on it goes.
I was riding my bike up a hill the other day with my big kid on a ride along trailer and my little one (she is 5 and at least 40 lbs) in a pull along Burley trailer. Last week was the first time that we had gone up that hill and I was not feeling strong (and I was intimidated by the hill), but this week was different.
As we made our way I kept having the thought that I am tired and should slow down – a moment of surrender. But then I remember to keep asking myself “Am I willing to do one more? Yes.” And I kept going and moved past the first layer of resistance.
Then there was another moment of surrender. And the question, “one more? Yes” And I kept pushing. All the while these quotes from Lance Armstrong played in my head:
- “You get into the race and it's fast and guys are strong it's a suffer-fest. You suffer when you get to those moments."
- "I like to suffer, although it sounds weird.”
- “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
So I kept pushing. Pain is temporary. It’s a suffer fest and I like to suffer. I kept going. And got past another level of resistance.
And I had a realization while I was huffing and puffing; while my legs were burning; while I was sweating and sweating. My realization was that I will be successful in my life. I will have the impact on people’s lives that I dream about. And the reason is that I am willing to be in that challenging place and keep going. I think that I am really good at being uncomfortable and continuing to push forward. I get to the place where I am ready to give up and I go one more. Then another. And another.
And then I get inspired, excited, and stronger. And the questions that I ask myself shift from can I make it to How far can I push it? What will happen if I keep going? Is there a limit?
In this moment, I connect with what makes Lance Armstrong a world-class bike racer (and it makes me believe/hope that he is really not using performance enhancing drugs). I can see the look in his eye. I can feel the drive to push further than others. To be willing to do one more than the person next to you. To push yourself to that extreme limit.
It’s a fascinating place I look forward to exploring more.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Losing
My little boy is 7 years old. He loves sports. He does not like losing.
I am not the first to trumpet the virtues of learning to lose, but I will add myself to the voices of parents who think that it is important.
I lost the first hockey game I ever played in 30 – 0. Everyone that I still know from that team remembers. And we all also remember that we did not win a game that whole year. We lost 26 – 2, 10 – 0 (many times), 13 – 3, and so on and so on.
But we won some games the next year and while we were never good, we got better.
I coach little league baseball. We do not keep score. I can guess at the reason, but do not know for sure. I think that we are doing a disservice to the kids (and probably the parents).
I am a pacifist. I care deeply about people. I am closer to a socialist than I am to anything else.
But we have got to teach our young people to deal with adversity. Things are not always going to work out in the way that we want them to work out. Life is full of surprises and challenges and disappointments and people who do things better than us.
The hope here is that at those challenging, uncomfortable moments, we do not cower from the opportunity to improve; we do not give up in frustration; we do not go running to our parents/partners/friends in tears; we do not avoid playing or participating because there is a possibility we might face an unfavorable outcome.
Instead we get inspired and energized to be better.
I do not want my kids to like losing. But I do want, and expect, them to win and lose with dignity and respect. I want them to be angry and disappointed. And I want them to feel challenged and driven to do better next time.
I want them to learn from difficult situations, not run from them.
Facing the future they face, these lessons will come. I prefer to learn the skill before it is necessary.
I am not the first to trumpet the virtues of learning to lose, but I will add myself to the voices of parents who think that it is important.
I lost the first hockey game I ever played in 30 – 0. Everyone that I still know from that team remembers. And we all also remember that we did not win a game that whole year. We lost 26 – 2, 10 – 0 (many times), 13 – 3, and so on and so on.
But we won some games the next year and while we were never good, we got better.
I coach little league baseball. We do not keep score. I can guess at the reason, but do not know for sure. I think that we are doing a disservice to the kids (and probably the parents).
I am a pacifist. I care deeply about people. I am closer to a socialist than I am to anything else.
But we have got to teach our young people to deal with adversity. Things are not always going to work out in the way that we want them to work out. Life is full of surprises and challenges and disappointments and people who do things better than us.
The hope here is that at those challenging, uncomfortable moments, we do not cower from the opportunity to improve; we do not give up in frustration; we do not go running to our parents/partners/friends in tears; we do not avoid playing or participating because there is a possibility we might face an unfavorable outcome.
Instead we get inspired and energized to be better.
I do not want my kids to like losing. But I do want, and expect, them to win and lose with dignity and respect. I want them to be angry and disappointed. And I want them to feel challenged and driven to do better next time.
I want them to learn from difficult situations, not run from them.
Facing the future they face, these lessons will come. I prefer to learn the skill before it is necessary.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hard to Imagine.
Watching the inauguration of Barack Obama the other day I was touched by the faces of the black young people. What an amazing day for them…but do they even know what an amazing day it was?
Seeing a black man becoming the president of the United States opens up possibilities in their imagination of what is possible that has never before existed. The implication of it is profound.
Years ago in the late 1990’s, when the US Women’s soccer team rose to prominence, won Olympic gold and a World Cup, I was watching with my wife. She looked at me and said something that I will remember forever.
“This is the first time ever that I can imagine being a professional athlete.”
It was so jarring to me (a athletic kid who survived the torture of school by holding the dream of playing professional sports), that she had to further explain.
When we were growing up there were no female athletes who were prominent. I suppose there were some tennis players and Olympic athletes, but that did not do it for my wife. She never considered playing sports a possibility in her imagining of what was possible for her life.
Again, I need to re-iterate that this was a complete shock for me. It had always been a possibility for me – albeit a long shot. But, it was clearly a part of what I imagined as possible and it drove me to engage in my life in a really different way.
I did not feel powerful or important in the academic world, but this dream of being a athlete filled me with hope, with possibility, and kept my imagination working. Without this I would have been a lost, lost little boy.
I suspect that Tuesday, January 20, 2009 (along with November 4, 2008) will go down as a turning point in the lives of countless young black people. I do not know that the impact will be massively visible, mine was not, but it will open those doors to hope, possibility, and imagination.
Seeing a black man becoming the president of the United States opens up possibilities in their imagination of what is possible that has never before existed. The implication of it is profound.
Years ago in the late 1990’s, when the US Women’s soccer team rose to prominence, won Olympic gold and a World Cup, I was watching with my wife. She looked at me and said something that I will remember forever.
“This is the first time ever that I can imagine being a professional athlete.”
It was so jarring to me (a athletic kid who survived the torture of school by holding the dream of playing professional sports), that she had to further explain.
When we were growing up there were no female athletes who were prominent. I suppose there were some tennis players and Olympic athletes, but that did not do it for my wife. She never considered playing sports a possibility in her imagining of what was possible for her life.
Again, I need to re-iterate that this was a complete shock for me. It had always been a possibility for me – albeit a long shot. But, it was clearly a part of what I imagined as possible and it drove me to engage in my life in a really different way.
I did not feel powerful or important in the academic world, but this dream of being a athlete filled me with hope, with possibility, and kept my imagination working. Without this I would have been a lost, lost little boy.
I suspect that Tuesday, January 20, 2009 (along with November 4, 2008) will go down as a turning point in the lives of countless young black people. I do not know that the impact will be massively visible, mine was not, but it will open those doors to hope, possibility, and imagination.
What a struggle. What a search.
What a struggle. What a search.
I was marveling the other day as I rode my kids to school how some days I feel so strong on my bike and other days so tired and weak. What happens to create that?
Today was a similar day, but not on my bike. All day I had things that I wanted to do for work, but, wow, was it hard to get focused, stay focused, and do the kind of thinking that I wanted to be doing. What happens to create that?
It was stuff that I wanted to do. It was stuff that I was excited about doing. I was scared and uncertain about what and how to do it (I was creating a workbook for my book), but still I have done stuff like this before.
Through out the day I had to keep on fighting to stay focused and persevere even though I wanted to stop and find something to waste my time doing. Ugh. There were many days like this while working on the book, so I have gotten used to powering through and trusting that tomorrow would be easier and better.
But today I was really searching for something. I felt like I wanted something to be different. I wanted something more than what I was doing.
I kept checking my email for an exciting message.
I kept looking at the sports news for something exciting.
I reverted to my backup websites – news and political blogs.
I thought about eating something.
I finally did eat something.
I listened to music.
But nothing satisfied me.
No matter how many times I went through this cycle searching for It, It never arrived. So I began to wonder what It would be if It did arrive.
A new client? A trade by the Cubs? Someone making a trade in my fantasy baseball league? A delicious something to eat?
What would have happened had one of those things happened? It would have been interesting. It would have diverted my attention. It would have given me an excuse to pay attention to something other than the workbook?
I still cannot figure it out. But the feeling is too familiar. The search for something…groping for some feeling, some event, some something.
Ugh. What is it?
I was marveling the other day as I rode my kids to school how some days I feel so strong on my bike and other days so tired and weak. What happens to create that?
Today was a similar day, but not on my bike. All day I had things that I wanted to do for work, but, wow, was it hard to get focused, stay focused, and do the kind of thinking that I wanted to be doing. What happens to create that?
It was stuff that I wanted to do. It was stuff that I was excited about doing. I was scared and uncertain about what and how to do it (I was creating a workbook for my book), but still I have done stuff like this before.
Through out the day I had to keep on fighting to stay focused and persevere even though I wanted to stop and find something to waste my time doing. Ugh. There were many days like this while working on the book, so I have gotten used to powering through and trusting that tomorrow would be easier and better.
But today I was really searching for something. I felt like I wanted something to be different. I wanted something more than what I was doing.
I kept checking my email for an exciting message.
I kept looking at the sports news for something exciting.
I reverted to my backup websites – news and political blogs.
I thought about eating something.
I finally did eat something.
I listened to music.
But nothing satisfied me.
No matter how many times I went through this cycle searching for It, It never arrived. So I began to wonder what It would be if It did arrive.
A new client? A trade by the Cubs? Someone making a trade in my fantasy baseball league? A delicious something to eat?
What would have happened had one of those things happened? It would have been interesting. It would have diverted my attention. It would have given me an excuse to pay attention to something other than the workbook?
I still cannot figure it out. But the feeling is too familiar. The search for something…groping for some feeling, some event, some something.
Ugh. What is it?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Keep Speaking, Barack
I hope that Barack keeps on speaking publicly.
He has the chance to lead us with his words and vision. I hope that these talents of his do not get lost in all the “work,” appointments, behind the scenes stuff, etc.
We need his voice, his challenges, his call to action.
Today, his inauguration day, we again heard the voice from the campaign that got so many of us excited, hopeful, and inspired to change.
I heard thoughts about what made this country a great country. I was reminded of the hard work, the sacrifice, the tough decisions our ancestors and the founders of the USA faced, and the amazing courage they had in stepping up to the plate to take on these challenges. I heard a need for us to get back to that attitude – and away from the place of sitting back and enjoying the fruits of the suffering and sacrifice of those came before us.
Did you hear it?
QUESTION #1 – Are you willing to do the hard work?
If not, what did you hear?
I wonder how hard we are willing to work to be certain that we pass along a healthy world to our children.
But, I think we need to be careful. A colleague recently asked me a question. “Do you think that your work as a coach is helping people who are doing harm do it better and more effectively?” He continued, “Or do you think that you are coaching people to re-evaluate whether what they are doing is actually creating meaning and advancing a way of being that is beneficial to communities and people?”
What is it that we want to work harder and make sacrifices for? And then, how do we get it? I wonder if we know what it is. I wonder if we know what it is not.
Where is the message going to come from?
As I write and think about it, perhaps it came (and will continue to come) from Barack and some of the other people who spoke today – some of the voices calling out for change. Maybe it will come from you. A word that I heard a lot this morning was Love.
I heard it in taking time for people less fortunate. I heard it in the importance of being an engaged and loving parent. I heard it in being willing to sacrifice a portion of your well being in order to support your co-worker, neighbor, friend. I heard it in being open to difference – of opinion, of skin color, of nationality. I heard it in being willing to dig in, work until our hands are raw (and beyond), and deal with the crisis that is our current western lifestyle.
QUESTION #2 – How willing are you to have part of the hard work be an honest assessment of your values, what you take for granted, and whether you are part of the problem or part of the solution?
My next thought is that for those of you/us who have known that change is necessary for a long while.
A friend of mine has for years been living a life I admire and aspire to. She is massively respectful of people. She works tirelessly to get people engaged in their community. She works really hard to be a loving and awesome mom.
And she encounters lots and lots of resistance. Sometimes the resistance comes in the absence of a response to her invitations. Sometimes it comes in the dismissing of her point of view. Sometimes it comes as criticism of her values and beliefs. Sometimes it comes behind her back when people dismiss her as crazy or idealistic or…
But she persists.
I want to persist. I want my voice to get louder. I imagine my family and friends who are now coming to realize that our way of being has got to shift, saying to me, “Why weren’t you more vocal? Why were you so timid about that thing that you believed in so much? Why didn’t you speak up?
It is time. It is time to answer these questions, and one more.
QUESTION #3 – What will it take for us to be the change AND speak up even though our voice shakes?
He has the chance to lead us with his words and vision. I hope that these talents of his do not get lost in all the “work,” appointments, behind the scenes stuff, etc.
We need his voice, his challenges, his call to action.
Today, his inauguration day, we again heard the voice from the campaign that got so many of us excited, hopeful, and inspired to change.
I heard thoughts about what made this country a great country. I was reminded of the hard work, the sacrifice, the tough decisions our ancestors and the founders of the USA faced, and the amazing courage they had in stepping up to the plate to take on these challenges. I heard a need for us to get back to that attitude – and away from the place of sitting back and enjoying the fruits of the suffering and sacrifice of those came before us.
Did you hear it?
QUESTION #1 – Are you willing to do the hard work?
If not, what did you hear?
I wonder how hard we are willing to work to be certain that we pass along a healthy world to our children.
But, I think we need to be careful. A colleague recently asked me a question. “Do you think that your work as a coach is helping people who are doing harm do it better and more effectively?” He continued, “Or do you think that you are coaching people to re-evaluate whether what they are doing is actually creating meaning and advancing a way of being that is beneficial to communities and people?”
What is it that we want to work harder and make sacrifices for? And then, how do we get it? I wonder if we know what it is. I wonder if we know what it is not.
Where is the message going to come from?
As I write and think about it, perhaps it came (and will continue to come) from Barack and some of the other people who spoke today – some of the voices calling out for change. Maybe it will come from you. A word that I heard a lot this morning was Love.
I heard it in taking time for people less fortunate. I heard it in the importance of being an engaged and loving parent. I heard it in being willing to sacrifice a portion of your well being in order to support your co-worker, neighbor, friend. I heard it in being open to difference – of opinion, of skin color, of nationality. I heard it in being willing to dig in, work until our hands are raw (and beyond), and deal with the crisis that is our current western lifestyle.
QUESTION #2 – How willing are you to have part of the hard work be an honest assessment of your values, what you take for granted, and whether you are part of the problem or part of the solution?
My next thought is that for those of you/us who have known that change is necessary for a long while.
A friend of mine has for years been living a life I admire and aspire to. She is massively respectful of people. She works tirelessly to get people engaged in their community. She works really hard to be a loving and awesome mom.
And she encounters lots and lots of resistance. Sometimes the resistance comes in the absence of a response to her invitations. Sometimes it comes in the dismissing of her point of view. Sometimes it comes as criticism of her values and beliefs. Sometimes it comes behind her back when people dismiss her as crazy or idealistic or…
But she persists.
I want to persist. I want my voice to get louder. I imagine my family and friends who are now coming to realize that our way of being has got to shift, saying to me, “Why weren’t you more vocal? Why were you so timid about that thing that you believed in so much? Why didn’t you speak up?
It is time. It is time to answer these questions, and one more.
QUESTION #3 – What will it take for us to be the change AND speak up even though our voice shakes?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
START: The Year of Change is Upon Us!
Last year there were millions of voices calling for change. There were people everywhere full of hope and excited about the future. And here it comes.
But, already there is disappointment.
Of course there is disappointment. How could there not be?
The change that we are seeking will not come because we elect someone, get married, decide to go to school, or anything else. It will not happen because of some external circumstance.
There is disappointment because in the year of change, we have not changed.
We still think this is how life happens:
• We want something different
• Some event happens
• It changes the quality of our life
We still live with the tired old paradigm that change happens to us. We act like we are audience members watching a show – and we sit and hope that the show will turn out in a way that we like.
It is time for change. It is time that we got up on stage. The only way for you to find meaning and fulfillment in your life is to be an actor in your own play.
If there is something that you care about or think is important, get involved. Break it down so it is small and you can do something about it.
We care, so let’s stop playing the “out there” game. Let’s stop pretending that some person we elect is going to somehow make our lives meaningful.
Only one person can make your life meaningful – you.
It is time for change. Ready? Go.
But, already there is disappointment.
Of course there is disappointment. How could there not be?
The change that we are seeking will not come because we elect someone, get married, decide to go to school, or anything else. It will not happen because of some external circumstance.
There is disappointment because in the year of change, we have not changed.
We still think this is how life happens:
• We want something different
• Some event happens
• It changes the quality of our life
We still live with the tired old paradigm that change happens to us. We act like we are audience members watching a show – and we sit and hope that the show will turn out in a way that we like.
It is time for change. It is time that we got up on stage. The only way for you to find meaning and fulfillment in your life is to be an actor in your own play.
If there is something that you care about or think is important, get involved. Break it down so it is small and you can do something about it.
We care, so let’s stop playing the “out there” game. Let’s stop pretending that some person we elect is going to somehow make our lives meaningful.
Only one person can make your life meaningful – you.
It is time for change. Ready? Go.
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